“I’m dying for a break,” said my client Tim, the chief physician of adult and family medicine at a large health care system. “But even when I try to take a single weekend off, I can’t seem to go more than a few hours without opening my work email. Logically I know I don’t have to — and I don’t really want to — but I feel compelled to check. To be honest, I become restless and insecure if I don’t.”
“I thought that when I finally secured funding and launched this business I’d be content,” said Samantha, an entrepreneur at a fast-growing technology company. “But I was wrong. And I’m a bit worried that if this isn’t enough, I’m not sure what will be.”
“I’ve long felt the pull of distraction and I’ve long had a tendency to overthink things,” explained Ben, the CEO of a large software company. “Yet it feels intensified now. Like hyper-distraction. It’s harder than ever to be present. I can deal with it; but I don’t like it.”
“I cannot stop obsessing about getting my book published by a major house,” bemoans my friend Ben. “I wish I could, but it’s become this nagging force pulling on my self-esteem.”
Here’s my other friend, Sarah: “I thought that once I got published by a major house I’d be satisfied. But it turns out, now I spend all that time thinking about hitting a major bestseller list. And on social media. And on all these other sources of stimulation that are not writing.”
***
Everyone wants to be successful. But few people take the time and energy to define the success they want. As a result, they spend most, if not all, of their lives chasing what society superimposes on them as success. Examples include a bigger house, a faster car, a more prestigious position, greater relevance on the internet, and so on. Yet, even if someone finally attains these so-called successes, they are often left wanting.
Many men describe an ever-present pressure, a cumbersome need to be bulletproof, invincible. Many women report feeling like they must be everything always, continually falling short of impossible expectations. I’ve come to call this heroic individualism: an ongoing game of one-upmanship, against both self and others, paired with the limiting belief that measurable achievement is the only arbiter of success. Even if you do a good job hiding it on the outside, with heroic individualism you chronically feel like you never quite reach the finish line that is lasting fulfillment.
Long before heroic individualism, in ancient eastern psychology there was a concept known as the hungry ghost. The hungry ghost has an endless stomach. He keeps on eating, stuffing himself sick, but he never feels full. It’s a severe disorder. And it is one that too many people are still suffering from, as evidenced by skyrocketing rates of anxiety, loneliness, depression, burnout, and substance abuse.
It’s none of our faults, per se. After all, the survival of a consumerist economy, like the one most of us live in, depends on the creation of hungry ghosts and heroic individuals: people who feel like they never have enough, always on the lookout for more, trying to fill emptiness with stuff and outward achievement, on a treadmill that keeps spinning round and round. But you, me — all of us — can choose to opt out of this game. You just have to know how.
Enter: groundedness, a transformative path to success that feeds — not crushes — your soul.
***
Groundedness is internal strength and self-confidence that sustains you through ups and downs. It is a deep reservoir of integrity and fortitude, of wholeness, out of which lasting performance, well-being, and fulfillment emerge. Groundedness does not eliminate passion, productivity, or all forms of striving and ambition. Instead, it is about ditching an omnipresent and frantic anxiety to begin living in alignment with your innermost values, pursuing your interests, and expressing your authentic self in the here and now. When you are grounded there is no need to look up or down. You are where you are, and you hold true strength and power from that position. Your success, and the way in which you pursue it, becomes more enduring and robust. You gain the confidence to opt out of the consumer-driven rat-race that leaves you feeling like you are never enough. And, you get much better as a writer—because you can focus on the craft itself, not all the stuff surrounding it.
The concept of groundedness is the result of the last five years I’ve spent coaching, researching, and reporting for my own new book, The Practice of Groundedness: A Transformative Path to Success That Feeds — Not Crushes — Your Soul. It is drawn from both the latest research in psychology, neuroscience, and sociology, as well as age-old teachings from Buddhism, Taoism, and Stoicism. It offers six principles as a roadmap to a different kind and better kind of success.
As you’ll see below, each of these principles is especially important for writers.
How to Stay Grounded: 6 Principles of Groundedness for Writers
Accept Where You Are to Get You Where You Want to Go
Seeing clearly, accepting, and starting where you are. Not where you want to be. Not where you think you should be. Not where others think you should be. But where you are. You can’t work on something in a meaningful way if you refuse to accept that the thing is happening to begin with. You don’t have to like what is happening, but you have to accept it.
Many writers fall into the trap of wishing they had this deal or that deal, that they got their work accepted by this publication or that one. As a result, we tend to engage in a lot of wishful thinking. This wishful thinking often gets in the way of the writing itself. Acceptance means focusing on the work, even if you don’t already have publishing glory lined up. After all, there is no publishing glory without doing the butt-in-the-chair work. If you are struggling to get started, remember: you don’t need to feel good to get going, you need to get going to give yourself a chance at feeling good.
Be Present so You Can Own Your Attention and Energy
Being present, both physically and mentally, for what is in front of you. Spending more time fully in this life, not in thoughts about the past or future. Distraction is tempting — perhaps for some, even addicting — but the research is clear: happiness, well-being, and peak performance emerge from full engagement in what you are doing.
Writers, take note: do not rely on your willpower to overcome distraction. Schedule time to write, and during that time, keep your phone in another room, close your internet browser, turn off your email client. If that’s not enough, consider buying a cheap computer with no internet connection, and use it only for writing (something I’ve done before when struggling with distraction).
Be Patient and You’ll Get There Faster
Giving things time and space to unfold. Not trying to escape life by moving at warp speed. Not expecting instant results and then quitting when they don’t occur. Realizing that we often do things quickly — not better, but quickly — to gain time. But what is the point if in the time we gain we just do more things quickly? I have yet to meet someone who wants their headstone to read, “They rushed.”
Let the process unfold. This often means stopping a bit short today so you can pick up in a good rhythm tomorrow. Earnest Hemingway was known for forcing—that’s right, forcing—himself to stop working when he was still in a groove so he could resume from that place the next morning. There is nothing wrong with a marathon session; but don’t make it a habit. Consistency compounds. Small steps—or in this case, sentences—taken every day compound into something big.
Embrace Vulnerability to Develop Genuine Strength and Confidence
Being real with yourself and with others, at work and in life. Eliminating cognitive dissonance, the inner turmoil and distress that arises when too much of your outward life is performative, when there is too wide a gap between what the sociologist Erving Goffman called your “front stage” and “back stage” selves.
Don’t be scared to take big swings and to put your heart on the page. Writing that feels the most vulnerable is also writing that resonates the most with other people. Why? Because everyone is going through something always. What feels unique to you rarely is. Research shows the more vulnerable we are, the more connected to other people we become. This is every bit as true on the page as it is off of it. This is how to stay grounded.
Build Deep Community
Nurturing genuine connection and belonging. Building supportive spaces in which individuals can hold each other through ups and downs. Prioritizing not just productivity, but people too. Remembering that on our deathbed we are less likely to harp on the gold-medal, promotion to regional vice president, best-seller, or any other outward achievement, and more likely to savor the bonds and relationships we forged along the way.
The best way to get better at any craft, including writing, is to surround yourself wisely. Connect with other writers. Share you work. Brainstorm together. The title and the sub-title of The Practice of Groundedness both came from conversations with other writer friends.
Move Your Body to Ground Your Mind
Regularly moving your body so that you fully inhabit it, connect it to your mind, and as a result become more situated wherever you are. This doesn’t mean you have to be an athlete. It just means to make movement a part of your life, even if only in some small way.
Study after study shows that the single best way to enhance creativity is to move your body. I consider exercise a part of my job as a professional writer. At least 60 percent of my best ideas have come while on the trail. Even though it can feel like you are sacrificing precious writing time to exercise, it’s actually the opposite that is true. By moving your body, you are bolstering what you bring to the table during your precious writing time.
Brad Stulberg’s new book, upon which this story is based, The Practice of Groundedness: A Transformative Path to Success that Feeds — Not Crushes — Your Soul, is out now.