Want to Submit Your Personal Essay to Modern Love? Read These Insider Tips First

Want to Submit Your Personal Essay to Modern Love? Read These Insider Tips First

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“Like many millennials,” says writer Laura Copeland, “I often romanticize turning a pivotal moment in my life into the next great American essay, as defined by its acceptance into the New York Times Modern Love column.”

Millennial or not, Copeland’s first step in this process was the inevitable: procrastination research. Down the research rabbit hole, she discovered that Modern Love editor, Daniel Jones, is a magical wizard providing an abundance of tips, via social media, on writing personal essays.

Confident other people would benefit from Daniel’s wisdom, Copeland collected all the tips she could find into a Google doc and made it public.

If personal essay is your specialty, you’re going to devour, bookmark and obsess over this doc.

And while I think it’s more than worth reading the entire doc yourself, I’m going to share the tips that resonated with me most. (Also keep in mind, these are amazing all-around tips for writing essays, no matter where you submit.)

How to submit to Modern Love

If you’re ready to submit to Modern Love, you’ll want to read on for tips directly from the editor of the popular column.

On writing: Tell the story

Jones has shared many tips on essay structure, but they can essentially be boiled down into these three categories:

  1. “Don’t underestimate the power of a reader’s curiosity” (this includes the editor — don’t give away the ending in your cover letter).
  2. “A happy ending is when the writer understands something he or she didn’t understand before.”
  3. “It’s more intriguing for us to be dropped into the action than to receive all the background information up front.”

Remember why people read stories: because we want to find out what happens.

When I read this tip I immediately went back into my essay and cut the first two paragraphs, moved my “what happened in the end” to the actual end, and added one sentence of clarification halfway through.

Turns out, we don’t really need all that backstory. Even though you want to draw people in at the beginning, that’s not a free pass to give away the ending.

On patience: Embrace the process of discovery

This is probably the most important, difficult, infuriating and comforting tip in this compilation.

I started writing an essay about a fight I had with my childhood sweetheart. It morphed into a story about emotional abuse. Which then turned into a story about how my first boyfriend is impacting my brand-new marriage.

Writing the first draft of this story was easy. I tied it up in a neat little bow and sent it on its way to my first workshop. I expected showers of praise. What I got was a lot of “I don’t buy it.”

What followed has been a hot mess. I re-write this thing for an hour every damn day and it’s still not close to being done.

I’ve learned that writing for Modern Love isn’t like journalism or writing a blog post. It’s therapy. “Ideally, writing a personal essay is a process of discovery,” Jones says. “You only understand the point of your essay after you’ve spent a lot of time and effort working on it.”

It’s different from how we’re often taught to write. Don’t come up with the pitch or the sound byte first. That’s not the point.

When I read that I actually felt relieved. This incessant editing and reworking is the work. And now, instead of getting frustrated every time I haven’t perfected this thing, it’s actually given me a lot of comfort in the process. My six-months-and-counting essay has been through a memoir class, a re-write, a professional editor, another re-write, two writer friends and now a third re-write.

Jones has emphasized that Modern Love stories are often the most important experiences in a writer’s life. These can’t be whipped up in a weekend. “The editor wants to think this is your best story, not one of 20 essays you’ve dashed off and sent out to dozens of outlets all at once,” Jones says. So take your time.

What if you’ve already submitted and were rejected, or told to rework? Don’t immediately send back a few minor edits. “The editor doesn’t want to see it back so soon, and, fair or not, he’ll think you rushed it and won’t view the revision optimistically,” Jones warns.

On editing: Words to avoid

The more I read Jones’ tips about submitting to Modern Love, the more I realize he’s not actually inundated with bad writers. That said, I love the polishing part of my job, so here are a few tips Jones provides on writing:

  • Remove words like “that,” adverbs, exclamation points and double spaces after periods.
  • Choose adjectives that will work harder for you (not filler adjectives like “amazing” and “terrible”).
  • Avoid overused transitions like “fast forward in time.”
  • Get rid of profanity.

On submitting: Be professional and humble

Before you jump on me for the obviousnessness of this tip, read the document.

I was shocked by some of the emails Jones gets when he turns down an essay. He’s received rejection responses like “your loss” and “lame.”

Just because that particular essay wasn’t right for an editor doesn’t mean the next one won’t be. Don’t let a hot temper screw up a relationship with an editor.

I was also pleasantly surprised to read about ambivalence towards writers who brag about their accomplishments. Jones says, “I pay little attention to someone’s writing background when I read an essay. I don’t even have time to read a cover note that’s more than two sentences long. My eyes glaze over at lists of books or articles. I judge a submission solely on the writing before me.”

I can’t tell you how much this speaks to my soul. I’m not particularly accomplished, and the fact that Jones doesn’t only want to publish successful writers fills me with hope. But even if I were, or if I did want to spew the few accomplishments I do have, I hate that bragging is the only way to represent the quality of your work.

Plus, is it just me, or is it obnoxious when writers list off every publication they’ve ever written for? I want to smooch Jones for being open and candid about this issue.

Other ways to be professional include immediately letting Jones (or any other editor) know if your piece has sold elsewhere. And don’t pitch a million places at once with the same story. This saves everyone a lot of time.

Right now: Stop your procrastination research

Before you leave to devour this amazing document: Don’t get hung up on every tip.

Read and absorb what you can, but remember to trust yourself and your writing. Copeland said it best: “In hindsight, I should’ve added a disclaimer to the top of the doc: ‘Use your time wisely. Each minute you spend reading writing advice is a minute you won’t spend writing.’”

Editor’s Note: Since this piece was published in 2015, the author of this post submitted her essay to Modern Love. She shares an update: “My Modern Love essay got rejected, however, I did get an essay published in the New York Times Parenting section!

To see all of Jones’ tips as compiled by Copeland, check out this Google doc.

This is an updated version of a story that was previously published. We update our posts as often as possible to ensure they’re useful for our readers.

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Photo via Vanilllla / Shutterstock 

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  • Neil Larkins says:

    My question is, what is the cut-off date for “modern” love? It seems to mostly include Millennials, but not sure. The reason I ask is because my memoir essay is set in 1964. I was 18 that year meaning I’m a Baby Boomer, although barely. In my mind 1964 was modern – we were well into the space age with computers and such, after all – but in other’s minds we’re antiques. I suppose I could check with The New York Times as to what they consider “modern” but I thought I’d start my search here.

  • Inna says:

    Hello Marian.
    Thank you for your very useful and enlightening advice. Does the Modern Love column accept international submissions? I mean I understand that the work is judged solely for its own merit, but maybe they have a way of knowing it comes outside of the U. S and hence reject it by default?
    Thank yo very much.

  • Erika says:

    O hai Marian! What a nice surprise to find the info I was looking for compiled by one of my favorite bloggers.

  • Jyoti Bawa says:

    hello I am really interested in publishing my essays …actually they are quite bold essays ..and i want to publish on a platform where i can get good intellectual readers .. Can you guide me ?

  • Lisa Martin says:

    Thank you for sharing the tips from the ‘Modern Love’ editor! Extremely helpful.

    Best Regards,
    Lisa M.

  • Alyx says:

    I enjoyed and appreciate these tips, but am slightly confused about the cover letter aspect. I’m aware that most publications want you to submit a cover letter along with the piece, but when I read the guidelines on the NYT website, it said to include the essay in the body of the email (where I would normally put the cover letter), as well as an attached copy in Word format. Do I not include the cover letter at all, or do I add preceding the essay in the body of the email? This is my first time submitting and I want to clarify before I send it out. Thank you!

  • Di says:

    I adore writing essays and have zillions I’d love to put into one book someday. I want to start submitting somewhere but have no idea where newbies should start!

  • Emily says:

    I am very much interested to send in my personal essay on this topic. Thank you for giving me tips on how to write it. I have written the experience so many times in all the notebooks that I write in, yes, I have like five notebooks that I write in, as in handwritten because I want the memories to stay as fresh as the day it happened to me and I have this penchant for the smell of fresh ballpen ink that’s so dark and, because I write heavily, it always leaves an imprint of my handwriting onto the next page.

    Anyway, I pray one day, I could see my essay on Modern Love. I intend to write it and share it to the world and let people know there is such a thing just because it happened to me. It could happen to anyone, too.

    Thank you for these tips again.

    • You go girl! Do it!

      I’m with you – I have so many journals I handwrite in every day. There’s a great quote in a book I love that says “Handwriting is more connected to the movement of the heart.” So there you go, you’re on the right track 🙂

      • Caroline says:

        Do you use a fountain pen for your hand written journal? What should be a joy is sometimes the reactive repression of the tip of the fountain pen which can be a bit argumentative to the onward movement. I think it is intrinsic to the hardware itself. AAH if only to see a Schaefer fountain pen. They may be out of business or not available at this location. Be well and continue.

  • Oh, so encouraging yet disappointing haha. (in my work that is) My essay was rejected, and I realize now it’s just not powerful enough. It’s a story of how my met my husband. It is interesting, maybe even memorable, but not what Modern Love readers want. We’ll see. Thanks for these tips.

    • Mikey says:

      Great article. It is good to know that credits aren’t as important as the story. That was one of my biggest takeaways. Also loved the quote about why we read. So simple, but true. I am thinking of making it my daily mantra.

      • I’m with you guys. But I’m mostly encouraged. The work should speak for itself. And if it doesn’t and it’s rejected? You can try again! I’ve heard of many writers who pitched half a dozen times before getting accepted. So for right now I’m just telling myself to make my essay as good as I can get it and then let it go.

  • Carrie says:

    This is really great advice, thanks for sharing. I especially appreciate you taking the time to talk about the submitting, publishing, accepting process. That’s where I need the most help, and it’s information I can’t always find or know if I should trust. I’ll definitely be putting this to use and seeing where it takes me!

    Thanks again,

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